March 2010

Oversharing: Real-Time Amateur Porn

Dan says “Got Boobies?”

You know what they say…Once you’ve seen one pair of boobs….you pretty much wanna see all of ‘em.” -Ron White, comedian

You can never be too rich or too thin.  Can you be too sharey?
It's Wednesday.  That can only mean one thing on the internet: Boobie Day.
To Jane’s credit, she’s introduced me to more online fun in the last few months of this blog than I’ve had in years.   Twitter, for example.   I had no idea there were so many women out there who wanted to show me their boobs.  I mean, Boobie Wednesday?  Can I get a “Hell yes?”   And then there’s those that want to tell me all about their methodologies, techniques, and love, really, of giving blowjobs.

Miss_Cook usually says a mouthful

And where else but Twitter can you get real-time updates of the dissolution of a woman’s marriage, her plans for coitus later that evening, and then the post-game wrap-up the next morning?

everybody wants some - you want some too? just wait until after her period.

Countless men have forever been unafraid to share the status of their erections with anyone who’ll listen.  That’s not new.  But with the coming of age of social media, it seems the fairer gender’s kitty has grown to become a lion, and on sites like Twitter, you can listen to it roar.  And roar.  And roar some more.

Some people call that oversharing.  I call it more, please.  Webster’s calls it the 2008 Word of the Year.

But even I have my limits. And this is the part where you call me a heartless bastard.  A coochie-spying, heartless bastard.

I get that publishing life’s difficult moments on the web for all to read can be cathartic.   Sites like Violence Unsilenced, detailing people surviving abuse, can help one to unload a burden they may have been carrying for a long while.  I just hope you don’t mind if I stop listening to what you have to say, if that becomes the only thing you have to talk about.

Take ToddlerPlanet, for example.  Tough cookie.  Survived TWO forms of aggressive cancer and a double-mastectomy.  And though I had never “known her” before the breast cancer, I tried to hang with her.  Offer encouragement.  But after two months of daily “what happens if I die” and “chemo sucks” I had to ask myself if this person I didn’t really know was worth the emotional investment.   And the answer was no.  It was too much of that kind of buzz-harshing, melancholy-inducing sharing that I just didn’t need in my life.

…but Jane thinks…

Jane wishes like hell that she sometimes looked before she leapt. And especially before she sends Dan running down some cyberalley with his hair on fire all jazzed up about the newest form of social networking. Jane recently….Halt.

No more third person.

tila_tequilaI recently wrote something at this other place about the difficulty I’m having with oversharing as a cultural phenomenon, and not just virtual culture but real and by real I mean ON TV culture.

This issue about personal disclosure is problematic for me.  I write a blog. Hell, I write on four different blogs.  And I’m a chronic oversharer in my personal life.   My edit function is faulty; not much gets stuck in the trap and I say things other people do not.  Sometimes, this is good.  It’s hard for people to argue that I’m not genuine.  Sometimes, less good.   It’s easy for people to argue that I’m exhausting and have boundary issues such that “boundary issues” equals lack of couth.

I am disturbed by the fact that popular culture seems to be brainwashing us into believing that it’s normal and relevant and useful to televise the rehab experiences of celebrities or the, however manufactured and artificial, desperate pursuit of true love and a happily-ever-after.   Back in the day, the Real World on MTV was, in fact, of sociological and entertainment interest: a glimpse into the lives of people unlike you. But that snowball just kept rolling down hill and suddenly I’m contending with Tila Tequila and people tweeting about their genitalia.

Like this hasn't happened to everyone.

I readily acknowledge that I am also a bit of a tough audience, in terms of reasonable critical thinking about personal disclosure in the media (social or otherwise).  I am both outrageously liberal and a terrific snob. So my judgment about what I think is acceptable is colored by whether or not I think the person disclosing is a) intelligent and “gets it” and b) not gross and tacky.  If I were to say, unequivocally, I don’t want to hear about your bodily functions because that’s too much disclosure, I’d be lying.  Because then I’d miss stuff like this gem from Mr. Lady, which I love.   Further muddying the waters is that I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old boy.  I love me a good fart joke as much as the next middle schooler.

The flow of information can be irritating

I can’t draw a clear line in the sand, then, about what I think is TMI and what I think is Just Right Information.  I think it comes down to motivation.   If someone’s motivation is to inspire, support, entertain, educate, or even to force us all to bear witness, then self-disclosure of the kind that someone else might construe as oversharing is OK with me.  If an oversharer’s motivation is to present a false facade, manipulate, shock, or elicit praise or sympathy? Not so much.  I feel like so much that people are putting out there – in a kind of miniaturized version of the Bachelor wherein dumber-than-average girls contort themselves into what they think some douchey guy wants – is show-offy and sort of pathetic.  Also, if you make me throw up in my mouth, I am not pleased.

The only other point I think it’s critical I make here is this: If Dan thinks something is OK and I think it’s skeevy?  Maybe I’m just PMSing (overshare, ah, sweet irony), but chances are it’s skeevy.

Who won this debate? 1111

A Dog’s Life: Sometimes Longer Than it should Be

Jane says…

Last week when Dan found out how much my husband and I were about to pay to get our dog’s broken leg fixed and to keep said dog comfortable and hospitalized until she could have the required surgery, he geeked his cigar smoke inhale and might just be coughing and wheezing still. Then he suggested that a single bullet would be a lot less expensive and we’d still have a bunch of cash left over to buy a goldfish at Wal-Mart.

And Dan’s a dog person!

So at what point does a pet owner say, “Too rich for my blood” and cash in the pet’s chips? I can only answer this question in terms of dogs…maybe cats, but it would have to be a seriously awesome cat – no shedding and scratching and sleeping on my head. Fish and rodents and reptiles? One of those gets a hangnail and I’d have very little trouble sending it off to enjoy a big dirt nap.

Jane would keep this kitteh

I would not spend so much money that my children had to sacrifice something essential. I would not spend money that I didn’t readily have if there was only a small chance that the treatment would be successful. I would not spend money I didn’t readily have if if I were only prolonging the dog’s life for my own happiness and comfort, rather than the dog’s. Otherwise…I’m paying. I can’t imagine pulling the plug on a pet, a pet who loves and trust and needs me, for any reason other than a humane one. If I wasn’t willing to incur the expense and hardship of dog ownership, whatever that brings – broken bones and complicated surgery including pins and plates included – then I shouldn’t have brought the dog into my home in the first place.

…but Dan thinks…

I think the dollar amounts are relevant here. When we discussed their family pet’s current predicament, she explained that it would likely cost in excess of $4,000 to mend her pup’s broken wheel.

And then she said something about writing a post about universal healthcare for pets.

And then I said “You know what? You go ahead and write that post. Here’s my take on the issue: you can get a brand new dog, with that new dog smell, all legs intact and functioning, for about sixty bucks.” Or put another way, for the same money Jane’s about to spend, she could get SEVENTY new dogs.

I know. They’re a part of the family. And the childless couples are all certain that the dog thinks it’s a person (here’s a news flash: if the dog DID think it was a person, she’d feel at least a little bit guilty about not chipping in for mortgage payments and grocery expenses, and wouldn’t piss on the floor (unless she was watching an NFL playoff game and got really drunk and forgot what a toilet looked like (Mike? Lookin’ at you, my friend))).

I love my dogs. They’re awesome. I’m not sure they’re $4,000 worth of awesome, though.

Who won this debate? 1111

Finally Friday

A wanna bleep your bleep with my bleeping bleep

At least her forehead gives you reading material when you're getting oral.Jesse James was tapping this >>>

Instead of his wife, Sandra Bullock. And I don’t mean on the shoulder.

Asswad Ayinde tries to create master race by trying to impregnate his two daughters. This one’s too easy, so I’ll leave it for you. Make up your own prison + asswad joke here.

Porn star Joslyn James released graphic texts she allegedly received from Tiger Woods on a newly launched website,* I wanna “hold you down while i choke you and f*ck that p*ssy that i own.” Tiger, you’re such a romantic. I can see why your protein shake brought all the girls to the yard.

Why don’t honest journalists take on Fox News? They fear their own slant will be tracked, recorded and made public. Pretty simple.

Gramma can sure take a punch.

Whaddaya mean you won’t look at my nut sack?! You’re a stewardess, aren’t you?

Women: It’s OK to let your boulders run free in Colorado. Why are there never pictures of THESE kinds of perpetrators in the news stories?

The book has nothing to do with the content to the left.  It's just here because, seriously, what.  the.  fuck.A few texts from last night:

(419): A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye’s makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

(904): The cop only confirmed I’m .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

(281): He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you can have it back. You can have it all back.

(203): he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

(480): She’s coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we’re not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

At Dan’s place this week


If we lived on the sun, would it be sunny all the time?

Yes it would, but it would be so hot, we would melt, buddy. We wouldn’t last a minute on the sun.

Ok. But we could cook pizza, right?

At Jane’s place this week

She made spaghetti.

* Don’t even bother trying to get her website to load. I’ve got 37 browser windows that have been open since last night trying to load her home page. Not. Happening.


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