Dan says…

I’ve heard this ridiculous urban legend recently that I think needs to be put to bed. The legend goes like this: women in their late 40’s and 50’s are having sex. I know. It’s crazy, right? Sex at that age? It gets crazier: some of ‘em are fucking younger guys.

I mean I saw The Graduate and all, but seriously? Mrs. Robinson is dead. Really.

This topic came about when I was pointing out to Jane one of the ads appearing on this site for CougarLife.com, the ad slogan being something like “He’s sleeping with someone younger – why can’t you?”

Jane bristled at the term. Cougar. Also known as old, gnarly cat, of the genus felinus cantmakus erectus, in the subspecies huntus perpetua.

Really? Is that all that’s in a name? A label? A cougar is a big, smelly, hairy beast always on the hunt to slake it’s thirst for flesh?

I think it’s about pigeon holes and people’s (read: Jane’s) desire to stay out of them.

Everybody wants to avoid being labeled in a negative way. Rarely does someone want to be categorized, unless it’s because she falls into the “drop-deap gorgeous” or he falls into the “hung like a Clydesdale” category.

To Jane, cougar = old skank.

I have a different opinion of that label altogether.

But first I have to offer up Exhibit A: Jennifer Lopez’s ass.

When JLo rose to fame and fortune, she did more than just make a name for herself. She made it ok to have an XXL ass. Even more than ok, she made it desirable. Growing up in the mid-80’s, if the guys I knew then saw a girl with an ass that big, no way she made it through high school without some therapy for the teasing she would have to endure. Now teenage guys are jerking off to those same big asses. JLo made having a large behind an asset. And men’s appreciation for this new, larger ass didn’t mean some other previously adored form was being neglected. Oh, no. It just widened the parameters for what shapes and sizes of female backsides were sexy and desirable.

Just like JLo’s big ass, I think the term cougar doesn’t lend a negative connotation to a woman. Totally the opposite, in fact. I think the label opens doors. It makes it feel more common, more normal for an older woman to have a sexual relationship with a younger man. And really? From my perspective, sitting here at 41 and looking in both directions (younger and older)? I see a younger woman, with her taut skin, pert breasts and bright eyes and I have to say yes, sometimes she’s a pleasure to look at. Ok, most times. And I’m generalizing here, but there’s probably also a whole lot about life that she hasn’t figured out yet. Like maybe she doesn’t know what really turns her on in bed, she’s just always done what she thought her partner would like or what she read on Dooce. And she’s more about the finish line, less about the journey to get there.

Having been the recipient of the rare flirtation by a younger woman, I can say that it feels pretty damn good. I have to imagine that an older woman receiving nuanced affections from a younger man has to make her feel good as well. That this strong young buck wants her the same as he would a younger woman? Ego boost, right? Stir the pot a little? (“pot” meaning, uh, nevermind)

And when I think of an older woman who’s sexually active, I automatically think of someone who knows what she likes. She’s been with a few men, gone through the years of trial and error under the covers, awkward elbows and falls off the Serta, so she can speak pretty plainly and candidly about what she wants and needs from her partner, be he younger or older.

Right. Are you kidding me? Clear, open dialogue about likes and dislikes without the emotional baggage of gender roles and the stifling affect of what’s proper to talk about and ask for when the only thing you’re wearing is a cowboy hat and a smile? Hell yes. More of that, please. What man on this planet wouldn’t want that?

I think that on the path toward acceptance of interracial couples, gay couples and (eep!) cougars and their cubs, there need to be interim steps. We can’t go from taboo to totally cool. So we come up with this label to tell us that yeah, this thing is out there, it happens enough to have a name, and really? It’s kinda cool.

So I say happy hunting.

…but Jane thinks…

Jane thinks  a great many things, particularly on this subject, but let’s start with one general notion:  Most of the time any contemporary phenomenon is described as “empowering” for women, it’s actually just another way that women get shuttled away back into the corner.  And it’s common knowledge that NOBODY puts baby in a corner.

Equal opportunity in the job market?  Greaaatttttt….thanks.  Now I am expected to work full time and keep your house and children together.    Birth control pills?  Greeeaaatttttt…thanks.  I’m really enjoying the weight gain, the emotional consequences of artificially introducing unnatural levels of hormones into my bloodstream, the increased risk of stroke and breast cancer, not to mention the responsibility for not bringing new and unwanted life into the world.

The moniker “cougar” is just another stepping stone down this slippery slope.

Do I think that open dialogue about women’s needs and desires, particularly in the bedroom or whatever room you prefer, freaks, is valuable and should be encouraged?  Of course.  Do I think that a cultural acknowledgement of the beauty and wisdom and strength of older women is a long time coming and something we should all be campaigning for?  Of course.

Do I think that using a term that conjures up images of carnivorous predators is useful in these pursuits of greater social, emotional, intellectual, and physical enlightenment?  That would be NO.  Instead, slapping a bestial label on a population of attractive and confident women – and note, nobody’s calling Granny McLibrarian with the elastic waist pants and wrinkles so deep she could carry her grandchildren around in them a cougar, the term is reserved for women who are smoking hot, botoxed into statuary, lifted and smoothed, and generally loaded  – who happen to date younger men reveals society’s baser instincts.

An older man dating a younger woman?  We might raise an eyebrow, but you and I both know that this dude is getting a slap on the back and a wink wink nudge nudge.  Older man + younger woman is, though, so commonplace as to not even really merit comment.  The older woman with the younger man, however, has accomplished some incredible feat – clearly a consequence of her sexual prowess (carnivorous) and deliberate efforts (predator).

The only reason Dan thinks that my interpretation of cougar is “old skank” is that I laughed out loud and for days a long time when he told me that he thinks Jane Seymour is hot.  Dr. Quinn?  The Max Factor Le Jardin perfume postergirl, from, like 1912?  The testicle-necklace designer (and if that doesn’t prove my point about cougars being predators, what does??)?

I sort of get Dan’s point about J. Lo and the junk in her trunk.   To be sure, I’m way in favor of Appreciating the Big Ass.  But adapting our cultural norms of physical beauty to be more inclusive is only positive, whereas a widely disseminated (yeah, I said it) connotation that an attractive and sexually active older woman in a relationship or whatever the kids are calling it these days with a younger man is a) worthy of note and b) comparable to a wild animal is irresponsible and ultimately damaging.