1. Jeff Pozniak, who plays “Dan” on this blog, was born just over 40 years ago and grew up in the suburbs of Michigan, about a gallon of gas north of the city of Detroit .  Jeff managed to underachieve at virtually every level of schooling, including a brief stint in college when the dean of students would need to notify Jeff at the end of each semester whether the university wished his stay there to continue.  In the end he managed to coerce a degree from them.
  2. He was invited to be a contestant in the inaugural Mr. GQ of Michigan pageant in 1987. He hangs onto the invitation like grim death as proof that he was once a sought-after specimen of man.
  3. Jeff has been known to play air guitar while listening to music on his treadmill. He nearly lost his life in a freak accident during the guitar solo in Van Halen’s Eruption.
  4. By the time Jeff was a senior in high school, he had two paper routes, a part time job and three small businesses. All three businesses were amoral. Two were illegal.
  5. Jeff takes drugs. Most of them are doctor prescribed.
  6. Jeff smoked a pack of cigarettes a day until he quit in 1995.
  7. He asks that his mother stops reading or skips over numbers 7 & 8. Mom?  It’s for the best.   In college Jeff smoked weed enough times that he doesn’t know how many times he smoked weed. The good news? Mom? (because I know you’re still reading) That’s the full extent of Jeff’s drug-taking experience.
  8. Except, uh,  for the cocaine. Though it was a one-off experience with a quantity smaller than what would fit inside the letter O.  Actually?  The letter o.   That’s right,  Jeff pretty much chickened out when he had the chance to snort a windrow of coke.  Some day he hopes to point to this experience when he tells his children to  “Do as I do.” But he anticipates also having to say “Nevermind what it says on that damn blog about weed! Just do as I say, ok?”
  9. He sometimes runs as many as six miles a day to stay in shape and maintain his relative good health. Counter-intuitively, he also occasionally enjoys smoking $10 cigars from Oliva, Ashton and H. Upmann.  Stupid?   He prefers “enigmatic.”
  10. Jeff believes in and practices his second amendment rights.
  11. Jeff was awarded the prestigious “Funniest Boy” award in Mrs. Peardon’s second grade class. This award is filed next to the pageant invitation. He hopes to someday be buried with both.
  12. Jeff wears boxer-briefs, which in the dim light of morning sometimes look like shorts to Jeff.  Not so coincidentally, in the summer months Jeff will occasionally, unknowingly, drag his garbage can 200′ to the curb wearing nothing but underwear.
  13. Delivering pizza for Domino’s to help pay his way through college, he once spent 6 months eating nothing but pizza for every meal.
  14. Jeff is a father to a beautiful girl and tremendous little boy. It took exactly two tries to father his two children. Jeff welcomes any associations that may elicit regarding his manhood.
  15. Jeff has voted for candidates in three different parties in the last 6 presidential elections.
  16. Jeff’s father nearly passed away in his arms after a bicycling accident, and it took 3 hours of emergency brain surgery to save Jeff’s father’s life.  Jeff was fifteen at the time.  The kicker:  He was supposed to be riding the bicycle his father rode that day, the one that fell apart while at full speed, causing his father’s near-fatal head injuries.
  17. On the morning of the birth of his daughter, Jeff asked God a question.  For the first time in his life, he got an answer.
  18. Jeff is the president of a small, modest landscape design/build firm specializing in hardscapes. He’s been interviewed, published and profiled in multiple industry magazines and websites, and has been called the Ty Pennington of Wisconsin’s Fox River Valley. But given the quality of Mr. Pennington’s work (who was a set designer specializing in construction that was designed to last for hours, not years), Pozniak feels this distinction is dubious at best.
  19. Jeff is able to lift his entire family off the ground at one time.  Jeff isn’t sure why he feels the need to mention this.
  20. Jeff wouldn’t recognize a part of speech if it had tits and wore high heels. Other than finishing second in a race of two to be his college’s freshman writing tutor, he has absolutely no writing credentials.  He fully expects to have circles written around him by Kristin.
  21. For two weeks in 1990, Jeff believed he could finance his college education in a casino.  He was wrong.
  22. Jeff believes it’s hypocritical to profess beliefs that are directly opposed to one’s actions.  This is why Jeff should never speak out against abortion.
  23. While Jeff smokes cigars for taste, he drinks strictly for the buzz. $10 half gallons of whiskey are as good as Glenfiddich single malt, as far as he’s concerned.
  24. Jeff uses and endorses Trojan brand condoms, though he’s currently in negotiations for “the big snip.”
  25. As far as God knows, Jeff is still a Catholic. But Jeff’s been trying other religions on for size.
  26. If Jeff were to meet Catholic God, he’d ask why once each month there have to be FOUR collection envelopes that need filling and FOUR passings of the collection plate. Jeff might ask God if simply having a drive-up ATM Catholic church would easier. In that meeting Jeff would also tell God that if the priest didn’t make such a show of putting his own money (money that likely was MY money the week before) into the collection plate to spur parishioners to dig deep, Jeff might still be an Actual Catholic, not a Pretending Catholic.