Finally Friday

So whatta you do for a living?

Uh, I’m a cougar hunter. There’s no medical or dental and sometimes I’m working all night, but the pay is pretty good.

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And when he hit the end of the rope, witnesses say his anal retentive shot right out of the bottom of his pants.

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David Spade is still the neediest Vince Neal lookalike on Twitter.

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I’ve never done the panty stealing thing, but I would think the turn-on would be way bigger if you stole ‘em from the panty drawer, not the laundromat. Right? So dude is a freak and a chicken shit.

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Suh Weet. We need cops like this in my state. I think we import ours from Fargo.

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We’re so sorry, Ms. Hotelguest. We will absolutely comp you a new roon. That must’ve been Joe. No, it’s not a python in your toilet, ma’am. Pythons aren’t brown.

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To our Phillies fans: Beware drunk guys with Jersey accents.

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It’s like I can’t ever do what I want anymore. Not in strip clubs, and NOW, not in museums. I was taught in art class that great art should stimulate ALL the senses. I was just trying to be stimulated, that’s it.

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That’s it, Dan & Jane readers. Have a spectacular weekend filled with whatever you want it filled with. With any luck mine will be filled with whiskey, cigars, porn and peanut butter and nanner sammiches.

Fun on a Friday

Posthumously, Michael Jackson is given the Elder status of the Sambia tribe, a distinction Jackson spent his whole adult life trying for.

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Speaking of Wikipedia and semen, who at Wikipedia HQ thought it was necessary to have a slideshow worth of semen in various environments? “Boss – You know what this page needs? Semen in a bowl. Semen on a countertop. Semen in carpet.”

“Good idea, Johnson. But how can we get photos like that?”

“I just got the new issue of ‘Tats’ magazine, boss. Gimme an hour. And the conference room. I’ll get you those pictures. Oh – you done with that salad bowl?”

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I’ve got no linkage for this one – right now the over/under bet for Jesse James’ mistress count is ten.

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This week at Dan’s place, the Baby Ruth scene in Caddyshack was played out at the kid’s swimming lesson. Like we needed any more ammunition for the kids to talk about poop.

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Overheard at Dan’s place:

Hey, flip back a channel. What was that?

(flips back) I dunno. Kid Rock?

With pole dancers in stars-n-stripes bikinis.

(long pause, watching)

You know, this is the kind of thing my “Dan” persona would watch. I like Dan.

Dan’s an asshole.

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Even Cheborneck is laughing at this guy.

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Have an awesome weekend, Jane readers. May everything you eat this weekend be chocolate flavored.

Just in the Nick of Time

I know nothing about today’s drug scene. I read this story and thought “they make a drug just for the GBL crowd?   And why does it make you want to shoot people? That doesn’t seem fun.”

And then I read this story and thought “Are there lots of GBL’s in Russia?” And then I wondered “In Russia, do they just call it roulette?”

Do you like our baby turkey? We named him Jesus.

And the warden said “We’re making arrangements for this particular prisoner to have that thing plugged on a regular basis to reduce the number of incidents in the future.”

Tiger’s 16th hole? I swear to you, if it ever comes out that Angelina Jolie was sleeping around on Brad Pitt, I’m going straight to the media to confess our torrid affair.  The public has a right to know.   So does Brad.  Not to mention it seems to be the shortest path to three filthy minutes of fame.

But until then?  Angelina?  Sweetie?   Our secret is safe.

GlaxoSmithKline?   Thanks a ton.  Really.   I mean it.  Like she needs another reason not to.  Of course, there is the benefit of reduced odds of breast cancer, so maybe it’s a wash?

Have a great weekend, tweeps, peeps and sheeps alike.  Next week Jane and I might have something fun to show you.  Well, it’s mine, technically, and Jane’s gonna help in the “big reveal,” as it were.

Fair warning: it may turn out to be one of those Aha (ha ha ha) moments.