Finally Friday

So whatta you do for a living?

Uh, I’m a cougar hunter. There’s no medical or dental and sometimes I’m working all night, but the pay is pretty good.

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And when he hit the end of the rope, witnesses say his anal retentive shot right out of the bottom of his pants.

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David Spade is still the neediest Vince Neal lookalike on Twitter.

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I’ve never done the panty stealing thing, but I would think the turn-on would be way bigger if you stole ‘em from the panty drawer, not the laundromat. Right? So dude is a freak and a chicken shit.

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Suh Weet. We need cops like this in my state. I think we import ours from Fargo.

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We’re so sorry, Ms. Hotelguest. We will absolutely comp you a new roon. That must’ve been Joe. No, it’s not a python in your toilet, ma’am. Pythons aren’t brown.

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To our Phillies fans: Beware drunk guys with Jersey accents.

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It’s like I can’t ever do what I want anymore. Not in strip clubs, and NOW, not in museums. I was taught in art class that great art should stimulate ALL the senses. I was just trying to be stimulated, that’s it.

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That’s it, Dan & Jane readers. Have a spectacular weekend filled with whatever you want it filled with. With any luck mine will be filled with whiskey, cigars, porn and peanut butter and nanner sammiches.

Fun on a Friday

Posthumously, Michael Jackson is given the Elder status of the Sambia tribe, a distinction Jackson spent his whole adult life trying for.

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Speaking of Wikipedia and semen, who at Wikipedia HQ thought it was necessary to have a slideshow worth of semen in various environments? “Boss – You know what this page needs? Semen in a bowl. Semen on a countertop. Semen in carpet.”

“Good idea, Johnson. But how can we get photos like that?”

“I just got the new issue of ‘Tats’ magazine, boss. Gimme an hour. And the conference room. I’ll get you those pictures. Oh – you done with that salad bowl?”

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I’ve got no linkage for this one – right now the over/under bet for Jesse James’ mistress count is ten.

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This week at Dan’s place, the Baby Ruth scene in Caddyshack was played out at the kid’s swimming lesson. Like we needed any more ammunition for the kids to talk about poop.

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Overheard at Dan’s place:

Hey, flip back a channel. What was that?

(flips back) I dunno. Kid Rock?

With pole dancers in stars-n-stripes bikinis.

(long pause, watching)

You know, this is the kind of thing my “Dan” persona would watch. I like Dan.

Dan’s an asshole.

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Even Cheborneck is laughing at this guy.

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Have an awesome weekend, Jane readers. May everything you eat this weekend be chocolate flavored.

Just in the Nick of Time

I know nothing about today’s drug scene. I read this story and thought “they make a drug just for the GBL crowd?   And why does it make you want to shoot people? That doesn’t seem fun.”

And then I read this story and thought “Are there lots of GBL’s in Russia?” And then I wondered “In Russia, do they just call it roulette?”

Do you like our baby turkey? We named him Jesus.

And the warden said “We’re making arrangements for this particular prisoner to have that thing plugged on a regular basis to reduce the number of incidents in the future.”

Tiger’s 16th hole? I swear to you, if it ever comes out that Angelina Jolie was sleeping around on Brad Pitt, I’m going straight to the media to confess our torrid affair.  The public has a right to know.   So does Brad.  Not to mention it seems to be the shortest path to three filthy minutes of fame.

But until then?  Angelina?  Sweetie?   Our secret is safe.

GlaxoSmithKline?   Thanks a ton.  Really.   I mean it.  Like she needs another reason not to.  Of course, there is the benefit of reduced odds of breast cancer, so maybe it’s a wash?

Have a great weekend, tweeps, peeps and sheeps alike.  Next week Jane and I might have something fun to show you.  Well, it’s mine, technically, and Jane’s gonna help in the “big reveal,” as it were.

Fair warning: it may turn out to be one of those Aha (ha ha ha) moments.

A wanna bleep your bleep with my bleeping bleep

Jesse James was tapping this >>>

Instead of his wife, Sandra Bullock. And I don’t mean on the shoulder.

Asswad Ayinde tries to create master race by trying to impregnate his two daughters. This one’s too easy, so I’ll leave it for you. Make up your own prison + asswad joke here.

Porn star Joslyn James released graphic texts she allegedly received from Tiger Woods on a newly launched website, sextingjoslynjames.com.* I wanna “hold you down while i choke you and f*ck that p*ssy that i own.” Tiger, you’re such a romantic. I can see why your protein shake brought all the girls to the yard.

Why don’t honest journalists take on Fox News? They fear their own slant will be tracked, recorded and made public. Pretty simple.

Gramma can sure take a punch.

Whaddaya mean you won’t look at my nut sack?! You’re a stewardess, aren’t you?

Women: It’s OK to let your boulders run free in Colorado. Why are there never pictures of THESE kinds of perpetrators in the news stories?

A few texts from last night:

(419): A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye’s makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

(904): The cop only confirmed I’m .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

(281): He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you can have it back. You can have it all back.

(203): he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

(480): She’s coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we’re not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

At Dan’s place this week

Overheard

If we lived on the sun, would it be sunny all the time?

Yes it would, but it would be so hot, we would melt, buddy. We wouldn’t last a minute on the sun.

Ok. But we could cook pizza, right?

At Jane’s place this week

She made spaghetti.

* Don’t even bother trying to get her website to load. I’ve got 37 browser windows that have been open since last night trying to load her home page. Not. Happening.

Assaulted with a White Russian and Other Friday Fun

I think the bigger news here is that IHOP has salads.

They say this is the most offensive ad ever shown on television, but when it comes to Family Guy, the cornucopia of offensive really never goes empty.

Drunk woman sprays police officer with breast milk. I had a dream that went kinda like this.

Beaver testicles? Is that even possible? Oh and uh, just rub a little of this poop in there. Guaranteed you won’t get pregnant. Probably because you won’t be having any sex.

I’m pretty sure he’s playing Twister wrong.

For some reason, I’m thinking THIS is information that she would want to know.

And speaking of Twitter, here’s a woman who’s Twitter timeline I’d like to follow for a day.

Seven sex tips from Cosmo that will land your man in the hospital.

When they get around to mass production for the video below, I’m gonna be first in line for a plant tour.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Today I can’t tell if I feel more like John Travolta or Tobey Maguire.   Either way, I’m struttin’ down the street to an awesome weekend.   You enjoy it too, wouldja?

And finally…

I swear that on Thursday nights my spirit is renewed with the joy that comes from making these Finally Friday posts.  Collecting the funny material through the week and disseminating it to you in the hopes I can fill a part of your day with laughter? Beautiful. Either that or my wife has been spiking my OJ with her hormone replacement therapy.*

Without further ado, here’s the last week in weird:

Rhea Roma is Miss Nude Sword Swallower.   (Totally SFW) “I’m an art piece.  You don’t touch the Mona Lisa.”  Yeah, I also don’t touch the wrinkly batter bucket who’s showing off her deep throating skills for an audience.

Whatever you do?  Do NOT kiss on someone else’s kiss.  Hello?  Unsanitary?

Some days?  A straight up trade, two kids for a bird?  I’d take that deal.

Elton John: God doesn’t exist. And Jesus was gay.  Right.   Just shut up and keep bangin on your piano, mmmkay Elvis?

Maybe the reason we can’t see the aliens?  They’re invisible.

Hot chicks with dogs with boners.  Because hot chicks are the new black. They go with EVERYTHING.

One of Saturn’s moons may be hospital to life. Insert “that much closer to Uranus” joke here.

Before I even knew there were the People of Walmart, I snapped this pic on my cell phone.  You can’t really tell, but the guy’s wearing a black leather jacket.   Hair is white and has a coif like the guy from that relgious end of days show that’s on late at night (thanks for nothing, tweeps).  And he’s wearing an enormous silver chain that would even make Mr. T jealous.  If Béla Lugosi, Fitty Cent and that religious news anchor guy were to get in a head-on collision?  This is what it’d look like.

He’s gonna shoot you? Well how big’s his gun, honey?

Something Jane put on my windshield the other day.

And from the funniest damn website I’ve ever seen in the last 72 hours, there was this gem, texts between father and son (courtesy of texts from last night):
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(434): you would not believe what I got pierced last night…

(540): son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

And from the same site:

(304): I’m thinking of writing “I have herpes” on my stomach in sharpie that way I’m not tempted to show my tits tonight

Good thinking.

To all our visitors, commenters, subscribers, followers and tweeps: Have an awesome weekend.

*kidding!   Wife is not taking hormones and is still very much of fertile mind and body.