Tiger’s Pride
December 18th, 200914 comments Posted in Pop Culture
Jane says…
I feel absolutely no delight or satisfaction at the current media crucifixion of Tiger Woods. I don’t care that he had multiple affairs with multiple women. I don’t care that he betrayed his wife, and I’m not that bothered by the damage he will have undoubtedly wrought on his young children’s development and sense of safety and family. By the looks of it, Tiger has been actively seeking out girlfriends, short term and long term, all over the map. It doesn’t offend me. I have no urge to raise an eyebrow in his general direction. I feel no impulse to judge or condemn. In fact, I’m not even remotely surprised.I am, however, horrified and disgusted by the girlfriends. Maybe not all of them, but truth be told I can’t keep these chicks straight anymore. They’ve morphed in my mind into one giant breasted, parted lipped, long frosted haired schema of slut.
Before you get your feminist panties in a wad, hear me out.
I have no expectations of Tiger Woods in terms of “moral” behavior. He is not a role model; certainly not for me, and he shouldn’t be for anybody else. Dude can golf. Big fucking deal. He worked really hard at it for a really long time. Read Malcolm Gladwell. Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. I don’t care. He is also one of the biggest fame whores in the sports business. Show Tiger an advertising contract with a lot of zeroes on it and he’ll sign his name on the dotted line faster than you can say, “I’ve got a hot waitress in Vegas I want you to meet.” There are plenty of athletes who are wildly sucsessful and hugely talented and equally dedicated to their sport, but they don’t all seek out the limelight and the perks and the cash with as much enthusiasm as Le Tigre.
The women, on the other hand, suck…as I’m sure he could tell you.. ba dum bum.
It took about thirteen seconds for these girls to start selling text messages, emails, and phone recordings. All the while “revealing” (right, as if they hadn’t already told all twenty hundred of their best friends that they were doing Tiger Woods) that they were having relationships with the golfing wonderboy. Relationships? If any one of these women actually believed that she was having a meaninful and significant relationship with Tiger Woods, what the hell is she doing selling the personal and private correspondence between them? Revenge? Lame, plus, unimaginative – revenge is, let us not forget, a dish best served cold. I suppose it sounds antithetical to say it, but I would have expected more from them. At the very least, they should have anticipated that they weren’t the only mounts in the stable. I can’t find it in my heart to excoriate them for being stupid, but I am sickened by their mercenary response to the news breaking. Having an affair with a married man? Not cool. Making money off the relationship? That’s called something else altogether…I’ll give you a hint: rhymes with “SCORING.”
…but Dan thinks…
I’ll take issue with a few things Jane said in a bit. Right now I need to talk about the mental midget that is Tiger Woods.If you have kids on a sports team (and your kid isn’t the best player), you probably know how the star of the team gets treated. Kid gloves. Waving palm fronds, sometimes.
Because Tiger plays a non-team sport, since he was 3, appearing on the Mike Douglas show, he didn’t need to share the limelight with anyone. And for all intents and purposes, Tiger was an only child. It was all Tiger, all the time. So while he was honing his superlative golfing talent, he was failing (and his father, Earl, patriarch of the family, was also failing) at developing just about every other facet of his life.
During tournaments, Tiger has thrown clubs into the gallery. Of people. His antics on the course are sometimes compared to Happy Gilmore. (Mainly by me, but whatever. I count, right?) Socially, Tiger is retarded. Remember those notes you sent in elementary school?
Do you like me?
[ ]Check this box for yes
[ ]Check this box for no
This is more or less how Tiger asked out Elin, his soon-to-be former wife. He was so socially awkward that in college his nickname was Urkel. So how did he score all these women? 14+ since he was married?
I knew a guy in college who played a mean guitar. Ugly as fuck. Personality to match. But when onstage, women were lined up 4 deep to watch him play. Add that intangible quality to a guy who is probably the richest athlete in the world and easy on the eyes? Uh, the trim line starts back there, honey.
Because Tiger was so unskilled, so inexperienced in handling anything outside of where to drain his balls, he started draining his balls everywhere.
And Earl had re-written all of Tiger’s school books to show that the universe DID actually rotate around Tiger, so what was the moral conflict? I golf, therefore I do whatever the hell I please.
Tiger didn’t know how to or understand the reason why he should keep his freakdom on the down-low.
I’ve cheated on a lot of things in my life. Never a woman. If there isn’t enough to keep you there? You leave. But Tiger never learned that or a billion other lessons about how to be a decent, normal human being. Like Jane, I feel very badly for the kids and for Elin. And hello? How does a guy get tired of that?
As for Tiger, I’m going to enjoy seeing this guy who has so few mental tools to work with try to find his way around this course. I bet he doesn’t make the cut.
And Jane? Apparently Tiger has an affinity for the blond girl-next-door type. Why he chose to screw carny versions of his wife instead of his wife is beyond me.
The fame whore thing I don’t buy. He didn’t chase down Nike. He didn’t call up GM and say “I love Buick! Can I pimp your stuff?” They ran him down because he was a superlative talent that appeared to have his head and his outside-the-lines life together. Paris Hilton? Lindsay Lohan? Fame whores. Whore whores. Other than endorsements Tiger hides from the media as much as he can (social retard, remember?).
Stuff Other People Said:
Now You Talk
But be forewarned: if you get nasty, we reserve the right to delete your comment. Unless what you said was really stupid. Then we may just leave it up so people can take target practice. Pa-ching!
Duh Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. The difference is that Tiger had something going for him other than an empty head and big knockers and a propensity for going out and getting drunk in front of the paparazzi, and it still wasn’t enough.
I think I’m arguing against my own point. But whatever. Thinking about Paris Hilton for more than a moment makes me lose track of reality.
Right. So uh, I win.
I both love and hate the news as it continues to ooze out from the filthy corners of life regarding Tiger Woods and the train of vaginas he was pulling behind him during the 5 years he is/was married to Elin.
Not that we need further proof of Tiger’s inability to negotiate normal society, but it seems Tiger’s “game” included going to strip clubs in different cities and act like he’d never been in a strip club before, all “oh, what are you doing?”, which he thinks made the girls crazy. Yeah, I’m sure that was it, Tiger. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the hundreds of millions in your bank account.
Social. Retard.
And one other thing. Hello, media? Have you gotten fat and lazy? How is it this guy can be for years sticking his driver into anything that walks and you not flush that out until his wife catches him and beats him into an Ambien-enhanced unconsciousness, his Escalade trying to climb a tree to get away? This is another rant for another time, but I think the days of Edward R. Murrow are over. Shine a sparkly object at a member of Big Media and you can pretty much get whatever you want. Including getting them to ignore you.
Occupational. Retards.
For the record I kind of love this scandal, but I’m a bit of a scandal-whore. But what I love most is that it seems that karma has come calling for TW. The kicker is that the damn guy will be fine in the end. So will his wife. And while I don’t envy her now (nor have I ever) I do wonder if perhaps she’s isn’t also lacking some serious “mental tools”—I mean didn’t she have any sense, even an inkling, of what she was getting into?? Once a cheating asshole is usually always a cheating asshole right?
Anyway, you call him a social retard, and maybe he is. Who knows and frankly who cares. He’s probably a royal ass too. Big shocker. And as far as his “mental tools” you have to give him this: he sure was smart about who he hired to create, run & manage not only his image, but his life. Clap clap. And it is this “team” that I truly find fascinating about this whole not-really-so-much-of-a-shocker-scandal. Two words: well paid. And deservedly so in a slimy secretive way. This group of folks cleared a path for a slew of mistresses and then swept up evidence after.
Why didn’t the media catch him you ask? Again, you’ve got his team, his handlers to thank for that. These people are good. And frankly I’d love to know how they handled the logistics and what sort of craziness they needed to pull out of their asses to keep this hidden in plain sight for so long.
And I agree…a number of those ladies look eerily like his wife. Yuck and yuck. Let me just finish by saying that I bet you a million zillion dollars that there are some babies out there too…it’s just a matter of time.
I’d be willing to bet that his team, if there was one, was much more haphazard at managing Tiger’s appetite for inferior clones of his wife.
As I said before, when it comes to relationships, I’ve never been a cheater. But I’m good at planning things down to the tiniest detail. If I was on a team charged with arranging and keeping Tiger’s sexual affairs in order, here’s what I’d have done differently:
Nothing would ever be traced to Tiger’s phone. Everything through an intermediary. Nothing via text or email. Why hello there, paper trail!
I would never allow Tiger into strip clubs. Get his specs, and in the various tour cities, hire a pro that meets those specs.
Everything in cash.
Also – everything in someone else’s name. That means someone on the team is the fall guy should the operation come to light.
I’m betting his team was no more than a few guys who wanted the person that cut their checks each week to not get into any trouble, because the pay was pretty good. Or maybe they got some spillover just by being around Tiger.
But Adelle, I bet you’re right. Someone this loose with the number of women he slept with, the flying of mistresses all over the planet to serve as slump-busters – there’s no way he was careful enough to not get someone pregnant.
On a positive note, I’m sure the babies will be beautiful.
Tiger Woods is a schlozzle-nozzled douchenoodle.
And I so love that you started an entire website dedicated to engaging each other. Good work.
Thanks you Jane and Dan for the inherent promise you have conveyed with this site to suck another hour our of each day. What fun! I will check back often — always taking Jane’s side of course… or maybe not. Let’s see what you got “Dan”! As far as your “he said she said” thing? I’ll go to what I tell my sons when a girl is teasing them in school. Honey, if they say they hate you, they really lovvvvvvvvve you. I’m just saying. Congrats on the launch, you two. Looks like a winner.
PS — Sorry for the typos above. Couldnt see the text box to proof. Fixed now.
Thanks for the back & forth about Tiger, wherein you both agree he’s a douche. COMMON GROUND!
Dan, while I anticipated disagreeing with you, I think you make a really valid point that we see played out after every Olympics. Phelps taking a Bong hit, some ice skater driving under the influence. Competing in a sport at that level has costs. Costs of life-experience, maybe costs of empathy toward others.
And Jane? (Love you more!) Yeah, what about these sleezebag fame whore WOMEN?! WHY is it acceptable in our culture that they “come forward” ~ like they’re doing us a favor in detailing their poor behavior?! Tiger can’t cheat like a backyard dog unless there is an available bitch in heat!
Thanks for the thought-provoking discussion.
I blame Elin.
She probably didn’t want to put out more than the two times it took to get her knocked up with her brats.
Also, most beautiful women are total bitches.
He was probably just banging other chicks to spite her.
Oh, and she was just with Tiger for the money. He doesn’t seem to have much personality, and he looks like a burn victim who was rich enough to have fantastic plastic surgery.
Yeah, who knows the dynamics of their relationship?
I just have an awful, visceral reaction to infidelity. I’m of Clayjack’s mind here. If there isn’t enough to keep one in a relationship, so much so that you seriously consider looking outside for that something else, it’s time to either seek counseling or end that bitch of a marriage.
So, like Lora said, maybe Elin didn’t want to do all the nasty stuff Le Tigre apparently likes. Maybe she is a money-grabbing bitch of a woman. Who fucking knows? But then, in my opinion, if you are a halfway decent person trying to make the right moves in life, you part as amicably as fucking possible and move on.
You don’t fuck every dimwit under the sun and try to get away with it.
And as for all those women willing to suck Tiger off and then save all their correspondences for the day when a paycheck was needed? Karma, bitches. Karma.
(Oh, and sorry this is so profanity laden.)
P.S. I love this website. Good job, y’all.
I’m tired of Tigergate. But I will tell you this. He’s an eejit for cheating on that hot piece of arse.
And? It’s still so hard to believe that people would rather report on Tiger and where his, y’know, JOHNSON, has been rather than stuff that’s actually going to affect us. Like, I dunno, climategate? Healthcaregate? Winter Solstice?
Also? I betcha they had an agreement. Like, she gets a HUGE amount of $$$$ and he gets to play the field to do the stuff she ain’t doing. As long as girlfriend never contacted them. Oops. Girlfriend called, deal over! GOLF CLUB TO WINDOW!
I just feel bad for the kids.